I’m back with a few things to share.
Life has been less than ideal, but I’m working my way back to being engaged in…well, anything and everything that isn’t depression.
- I honestly thought it was just me!
- I’ve binge-watched a few things recently, but the one that I enjoyed the most was Freaks & Geeks. I really wish there had been a second season, but I also like the way things ended. I guess what I really want is more episodes without it changing the way things wound up – it’s like a virtual chose your own adventure ending to me
- Another thing I’ve binged on lately is stand-up on Netflix; my fave has got to be Iliza Shlesinger: Confirmed Kills. It’s a great mix of intelligent comedy, pro-women commentary and stupid millennial bs. Look, it’s better than I make it sound – do yourself a solid and give it a watch
- Sometimes, when one is depressed, it’s good to learn something new. It starts the brain working in new ways, and distracts the mind from reductive thinking
- My friend Jase and I used to have conversations like this (back when we worked together and would have to close the store together). On some topics I was the Ross and sometimes I was the Phoebe, those were fun arguments. I don’t miss the job, but I do miss the time I used to get with my friends there.
It’s been a long time since I wrote to you, and I’m sorry for that.
Your cremains were buried yesterday. Finally. It was partly because I couldn’t face it for a while. Then it was because Dad wasn’t ready and had a hard time picking out a headstone. Then it took a while to have the headstone made & placed and Dad wanted to wait until it was ready.
I know you know that, really I know you know everything I’m going to tell you, but I still want to tell you. I miss telling you things that are going on in my life.
Mother’s Day was torture. Actually the day of wasn’t that bad in comparison to the week leading up to it – that was hell. I couldn’t get away from ads showing how important Moms are to everyone. As if I needed the reminder.
And then there was my birthday. Another fresh hell.
I miss you so much that sometimes I can’t function.
I don’t have much to comment on this week – I think the depression is being held just below the surface right now, but at least it’s not fully imprisoning me. Here are some things I’ve been reading this week:
- I remember listening to a few of these on constant repeat on cassette tapes…uh, um, I mean CD because I’m not old enough to have listened to cassette tapes (I totally am)
- I had heard of most of these Amazon Prime perks, but had trouble with a few so I’d thought they were rumor – but this video indicates that maybe I should try again from my kindle (I’d been trying them from my phone & computer before and it seems a few are device specific…hmmm)
- I have some frozen spinach & cream cheese that I want to use up before moving – I think I know how I’m going to do that now. Yummm
- mind=blown by these thoughts
- I’ve been using Keep for a while, but any reason not to recommend it to others was blown away when I changed phones and the lists were all perfectly intact when I opened them on the new device
We have a president who, it seems, can’t stand
helping people – in fact I wonder if he even thinks about the citizens of this country as people unless they’re (monetarily) wealthy.
I’m not being hyperbolic at all when I say I’m afraid of what his ego will cause – I can easily imagine everything from societal downfall to outright nuclear war.
My father’s Alzheimer’s has progressed significantly in the last 3 months.
My mother died 8-10 months earlier than doctors thought she would. Hell, just the fact that my mother has died, let alone the timing.
One of my brothers is barely on speaking terms with his daughters (this is the brother who also has brain cancer).
Another brother is barely on speaking terms with me (or maybe it’s that I’m barely on speaking terms with him? Some days it’s one way, other days it’s the other way. I love him, but he’s a jackass.)
I’m moving out of the house that I absolutely adore for all it’s charm and uniqueness and I’m moving into a cookie-cutter condo in a city a couple hours away from some of my closest friends.
This is my choice, I’m doing it mostly because my father needs more support than my siblings are willing to give, so I’m okay with the move, it’s just that I love my home and had so many great plans for it and now I’m giving it all up.
And one of those close friends just had surgery, two days ago, to remove a cancerous growth. And it’s the second surgery she’s had to have since the beginning of the year. She didn’t tell me about the first because she knew I was overwhelmed with Mom & Dads health issues at the time. So, I’m worried about her and also I feel bad about not being able to support her as much as she has supported me in the last 6 months.
In the coming days I’m going to start doing a gratitude challenge so I won’t whine on and on about these things, but in the meantime I just want to put it out there that I’ve dealt with my fair share of challenges this year already, so it’s time for this proverbial black cloud I’ve been living under to move on out of my life.
I’m bringing back an old pal, at least for a little while.
Basically, I need to start pulling myself out of this grief funk, so I am going to try to write 1-2 times a week to get my mind to start thinking about things other than just how much I miss Mom.
That’s not to say I won’t continue to grieve, and write about & to Mom, I’m just going to work on doing more than just concentrating on the sadness.
So, let’s start with a list of things I’ve found interesting lately:
- Why some meds say not to have grapefruit while taking the med (and it’s not just grapefruit!)
- One of the things I’ll miss loads about my house (after I move-have I shared that I’m moving back to my hometown?)
- If my fingerprint scanner ever stops working I’m screwed – unless I do this. I wonder if I can do this?
- There are just so many reasons to not even try Lululemon, but if you haven’t heard them and don’t want to do a deep dive – here’s just one reason, a quick glimpse of the culture of their business
And to close it out…I wish I didn’t love this as much as I do, but I can’t deny how much I’m entertained
It’s been a month. It seems like so much longer than that.
I don’t have much to say this week because I just couldn’t deal with anything this week other than work. St Patrick’s day just wasn’t a part of my life this year, it just felt too much like you were missing.
I have a feeling you’d be disappointed in me not celebrating since it was one of your favorite holidays to celebrate, but it was because of all the memories of green milk as kids, true Irish soda bread and good Irish food every St Patrick’s day that made it more evident that you weren’t here.
Next year I promise to make an attempt.
I love you,
I didn’t cry at all yesterday.
It was the first day in almost a month in which that has happened.
It’s progress. Right?
Seventeen days. Eight hours. Sixteen minutes.
It seems like so much longer.
I think I’ve moved into numbness, most of the time at least. I have moments of happiness and I still get hit with moments of intense sadness and weeping, but the sobbing has let up. For now.
One of the things that makes me tear up the most though is thinking of moving soon. I love this house, it’s my dream house – both old and updated. Charming and modern. It’s just not in the right city.
And it’s the place you helped me pick out. And you helped me plan the layout. And everywhere I look you’re there in some way. And I’m so thankful, and so sad.
It makes me torn about moving. It’s hard to be here right now because those memories make me so sad to face a future without you here. But once I move I won’t have those reminders of you in my home any longer. And that makes me feel just as sad.
On a related note, it’s a weird feeling to be an introvert who doesn’t want to be home.
There’s more to tell about this week, but it’ll hold for another time.
I love you Momma.
In the last two weeks I have learned a few things about grieving, which I’d thought I’d already known, but have found these 5 especially surprising:
- Just because you don’t see me crying doesn’t mean that I’m not completely
heartbroken broken, it simply means I’m working hard to not let the pain rule the entire world. I’m allowed to enjoy moments even though overall I’m sadder than I’ve ever imagined possible. Please don’t make it worse by judging my worthiness of a moment of relief
- Sometimes the stupidest things make me well up, while things I’d have expected to make me cry won’t
- How physically painful grief is
- That being home it’s the hardest of all. There are more things I want to talk to you about when I’m home vs when I’m anywhere else. This adds to the difficulty for me right now, since I’m a homebody by nature
- Hugs are everything. Even when they’re from people who I’m not especially close
You’ve been gone for nine days now. And overall I think I’m doing okay with this immense change in life.
But there are times when I’m totally overwhelmed with the sense of loss.
And I’m sad, but not mad or angry. Which is a bit surprising since I am sure that you chose to die earlier rather than doing the things that would have allowed you to live almost another year, mostly comfortably. But I can’t be mad at you when I’m certain I would have taken the same route under those circumstances.
My biggest struggle is the (oh-so-common) times when I just want to call and talk with you, it might be for advice, to see if you heard the most recent family gossip, it might be to hear someone take my side or it might be just to giggle with my bestie.
And at those moments I realize that I have never felt so very alone & lonely.
For example today I was a bit bored, with not needing to make a trip down state to spend the weekend caring for you then rushing back Up North to get my clothes washed so I have something to wear to work. I have been yearning for a day like today – one where I could spend time reading blogs, watching videos online and catch up on some books/movies/tv shows that I’ve been wanting to read/watch. But when I sat down to do this, I couldn’t find anything on my to watch/read list that wasn’t tied to you in some direct way.
And then I fell apart. And nothing could console me. My heart hurts and I find it hard to take a breath.
And I don’t feel that anyone can help me make it better.
And I promise, I’m not suicidal, but I just want to be with you, and to stop hurting so much.
I need to get myself a job downstate, so I can get moved, and get back in with Dr T so he can help me find my way, because I really don’t want to try an start with a new doctor knowing I’m moving back in the near future.
With all the love my broken heart can hold,