So, bully/bullied/bullying is one of those sets of terms that I typically would say doesn’t belong anywhere in the vocabulary of an adult unless they’re referring to children.
I’ve learned the hard way that it does exist in adulthood, too.
I work for a large corporation, but in a small town & a small semi-retail store of six employees, so even though the business is large the place I work really functions more like a small business on a day-to-day basis.
One of those six people is an out & out bully. The type of man who, when things don’t go his way he lashes out and makes those around him hurt. Yesterday was mine turn to be on the receiving end of that lashing. And it’s not unusual for him to boast with glee about how he shut someone down or basically made them hurt.
He’s also the kind of man who, I could see beating/verbally abusing a woman (I don’t know the details, nor should I know the details, but I know that he’s not allowed on his ex-wife’s front door porch when he picks up his kid for visitation, so sadly this may be more than just a perspective.)
He’s just not a good person ( A licenced therapist family member shared this article with me and this portion really struck me as a to-a-T description “…the narcissists overwhelming need for entitlement, control, power, grandiosity and specialness, and how they use these traits to keep their omnipotent fantasies and their vulnerable ego in tact.”
Unfortunately she did say that if he is truly narcissistic then no amount of negative feedback will make a long term difference. Which is why he still thinks it’s okay to act this way at his advanced-ish age.)
Another one of those six people is my boss, who cares more about being on good terms with everyone individually than she probably should which means that she will not take action on this unless I bring in her boss or HR. He bullies her on a regular basis to get what he wants, she takes it from him – I guess partially because she’s a nice person and partly because he’s the top sales person in the office and therefore it benefits her that he’s still working there.
The other three people are friends of both of ours – the man who he refers to as his best friend (who he has also bullied), my closest work friend (who has been bullied by him more than any of us) and another girl who I believe the Bully has a crush on so he only teases her (in a semi-nasty way that I think he intends as flirty).
I can’t control whether other people forgive him/take it from him. I just know that I’m “so over” accepting that kind of disrespectful treatment and I need to figure out what the best course of action is to move forward.
Although I my base instinct is not one I’m proud of (I want him to hurt), I know that when a bad person gets their Karmic comeuppance it doesn’t really positively affect those who they’ve hurt in the past. So, I’m trying to remember that I’m not a bad person, and that encouraging said Karmic comeuppance will only cause hurt to others when he lashes out again. I almost need it tattooed on my hand as a reminder that I’m a better person than these actions would indicate, if I took them, so I need to keep working to not give in to that base instinct.
Now that I think about it, I did give in in a small way – when the event was happening I gave in and told him to never even bother asking for a favor because the answer will be no, even if it would also benefit me to do it.
And I should admit, I am giving in to one part of my baser emotion and the office is dead right now and he and I are the only people here – I know it’s driving him nuts hearing me type this because any time he hears one of us typing something long he’ll comment on it.
I imagine he’s thinking it’s a note about him (I suppose in a way that’s correct) to management/HR (not correct – I am documenting his actions for the time being, not sure if I’ll send them in or not, but this way I’m prepared to do what I need to do if I need to do it) or IMing a mutual friend about it (wrong – I’ve made a point of NOT talking to anyone we have in common about it. I don’t want to gossip about it – who wants that kind of Karma coming back at them?).
Typically I won’t write personal/blog updates at work, if I think of an idea I send the idea to myself in an email/text but that’s it.
Today I’m letting the words flow.
So, while I don’t yet know what I think my next steps should be in regards to the event of yesterday, I can say what I would like to do in order to move forward:
- I find a new job. This is about more than just the last few days. This job has morphed into a sales job and I’m not a good sales person, so it’s very stressful for me to spend 40 hrs/week trying to be successful at something that is inherently not me.
- While I search for a new job I want to be treated with respect. I need to demand it, he doesn’t have to like me and I certainly do not like him, but let’s be respectful of each other while we are in the same space each day.
- My other work friends…that’s a sticking point for me at this point. Two of them were in the room when the event went down and neither one did anything to stop him (that part is fine, I wouldn’t ask anyone to step into shit on my behalf), and unfortunately may even have encouraged him. My gut says to step away from those friendships, but I also enjoy their company.
In my past I was quick to cut people out of my life for hurting me, I’m trying to grow and stretch these days so I’m going to try and hold off on making that decision until I’ve had some time for the hurt to dissipate a bit.
Anyway, I hope you never have to experience being hurt by people you care for.