Dear Mom (6)

Dear Mom,

You’ve been gone for nine days now. And overall I think I’m doing okay with this immense change in life.
But there are times when I’m totally overwhelmed with the sense of loss.

And I’m sad, but not mad or angry. Which is a bit surprising since I am sure that you chose to die earlier rather than doing the things that would have allowed you to live almost another year, mostly comfortably. But I can’t be mad at you when I’m certain I would have taken the same route under those circumstances.

My biggest struggle is the (oh-so-common) times when I just want to call and talk with you, it might be for advice, to see if you heard the most recent family gossip, it might be to hear someone take my side or it might be just to giggle with my bestie.
And at those moments I realize that I have never felt so very alone & lonely.

For example today I was a bit bored, with not needing to make a trip down state to spend the weekend caring for you then rushing back Up North to get my clothes washed so I have something to wear to work. I have been yearning for a day like today – one where I could spend time reading blogs, watching videos online and catch up on some books/movies/tv shows that I’ve been wanting to read/watch. But when I sat down to do this, I couldn’t find anything on my to watch/read list that wasn’t tied to you in some direct way.

And then I fell apart. And nothing could console me. My heart hurts and I find it hard to take a breath.
And I don’t feel that anyone can help me make it better.

And I promise, I’m not suicidal, but I just want to be with you, and to stop hurting so much.

I need to get myself a job downstate, so I can get moved, and get back in with Dr T so he can help me find my way, because I really don’t want to try an start with a new doctor knowing I’m moving back in the near future.

With all the love my broken heart can hold,

M

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